A Vacancy
by PreventPersuadePervert
Summary: Throughout most of my life, there was an empty spot wherever Sirius was supposed to be at the time. He would run from me, return to me. It was a vacancy that I knew would always be filled…until now. Slash.
1. First Time

Title: A Vacancy

Notes: Before Remus admits his mutual feelings for Tonks, he makes a Pensieve.

**One. **_Two. Three. Four. Five._

The first time I had ever felt abandoned. Well-, by a close a friend. I had been twelve years old, and more backwards than ever. Oh, if it hadn't been for my Prongs, and my Wormtail, and my Padfoot, I wouldn't have survived Hogwarts. We all brought something special to the foursome. For many years I had no inkling of this, but you don't see things like that when you are young. When you are young, it takes place magically and you just get to feel it rush through your veins and that is how you know its there. You don't need to see it. You breathe it.

After my abandonment, as always, my hero would rescue me as he always does. But you know, the first time probably did bleed the hardest…as does the last time. Making this Pensieve isn't a need, it's a want. How can I ever tell Tonks that I love her with these…these hairy little_ monster _thoughts constantly inside my head? It's impossible and I am not going to try.

_November __1972._

A small boy with a mousy mop of brown hair was running at a very hurried pace along what seemed to be a stony, cold dungeon passage way. Strange smells lingered from beyond doors in this hall. But he seemed to take no notice in his fervent race. A black school bag, held together by many stitches and patches, swung around his waist and bounced off his hip and thigh. It was positively bulging with textbooks.

He began to slow once he reached a thick wooden door. Pausing to catch his breath, Remus turned the stiff iron knob and walked into Potions Class.

"Ahh, Mr. Lupin! So unlike you to be so late," said a very plump man dressed entirely in deep, royal blue robes. He had an extremely large mustache and there seemed to be a few crumbs left from lunch still attached to the hairs.

"I'm sorry, Professor Slughorn." Remus said somewhere between his heavy inhaling.

But the Professor said nothing and merely nodded towards the boy's seat at a wide desk.

Three others were already sitting there, of course. One with hazel eyes, and jet-black hair that was even messier than Remus's. His very permanent smirk was stretched along more than usual. Next to him was a shorter, plumper boy who offered his tardy friend a small smile. Lastly, the one who wasn't even paying much attention at all- Sirius. He sat with his head in his palm, burning words into the desk with his wand. Remus walked over to his seat between Peter and Sirius.

Slughorn resumed his lecture then, and no one could hear them mumble amongst themselves.

"Why didn't anyone warn me it was time for class?" Remus hissed.

James pretended to be extremely interested in the set of brass scales before him. Meanwhile, Peter piped up, "I asked them not to, I did. But they said it'd be funny if you were late for a change,"

James elbowed Peter's shoulder. "Way to crash the party,"

"Yeah. Happy April Fools Day, Rem," said Sirius, looking at Remus with his head resting on his arm now. A yawn followed the sentence.

"Sirius. It's November," Remus nearly hissed once again. "It's not my fault you two are always late,"

"That's what I said!" exclaimed Peter. Sirius told him to shut it, and James settled for another elbow, this time to his chest.

Peter rubbed his new sure to be bruise. "Well I did,"

"Gryffindor boys," Professor Slughorn had waddled over to their desk. "Is there a problem?"

"No sir," Remus answered him.

"I should hope not Mr. Lupin, disrupting class _and_ fifteen minutes late," muttered the Professor. "I'm afraid that will cost you five points for your house,"

Remus opened his mouth and closed it several times in disbelief. He was quite sure it looked like a fish trying to breathe above water.

"I think it is quite fair," Slughorn folded his thick arms across his chest and set his hands to rest on his protruding gut.

"Yes sir," Remus hung his head.

Slughorn nodded once more and went back up to his desk. All around them, people began to ready their ingredients for a Swelling Solution. Remus said nothing and lit his own cauldron.

"Aw, did ickle Remy gets in troubles?" Sirius said in a baby voice. He even pinched his friend's face.

Remus grunted.

"Don't be such a spoilsport," James scolded. However, when Remus sent him a look that was oddly reminiscent of Minerva McGonagall, he softened.

"I'm sorry, Rem. But five points isn't even that terrible,"

"I've never lost Gryffindor any points before," Remus began to slice his puffer-fish eyes rather harshly.

The table was uncharacteristically silent for a good part of the following hour. That is, until Xavier Flint entered the second year Potions class.

He was nearly six foot two at age fifteen. Xavier had a rough edge to him, a thick square jaw and dark, dark eyes. But he was surprisingly apt at most subjects, particularly Potions. Every other class or so, Slughorn pulled Xavier from his Ancient Runes studies to assist the younger ones with difficult concoctions.

Remus hadn't even seen the boy enter until Peter gave him a hard nudge in the ribs.

"I can't help you, I'm behind mys-" But Remus stopped in the middle of his words. Xavier, being an older Slytherin, obviously wouldn't be too fond of him or of most of the left side of the dungeon. But Xavier disliked Remus in particular.

It hadn't been his fault. Wrong place, wrong time. In Remus's first year, he had walked in on Xavier and his friends slipping in and out of the Restricted Section in the school's library-and pocketing several books. One of his friends had been a seventeen year old Lucius Malfoy. The staff had always been on that boy's tails. Rich and powerful at birth, he had been marked down as dangerous. Even as he left Hogwarts people were spreading rumors of his very mysterious and very dark ties to You-Know-Who.

When Albus Dumbledore had called a very lonely and frightened Remus to his office to recant the events, he just could not lie. Flint was given a month's detentions and Lucius was forbidden to celebrate in any graduation ceremonies. Xavier never let Remus off for that one. It stained his merit with many Professors-, Slughorn being the exception of course.

"Class, class," Slughorn called them to attention.

Sirius took one look at Flint and muttered, "Oh, fuck," under his breath. He had never been ashamed of curse words.

"Xavier Flint will be helping you all with your Swelling Solutions today," Slughorn said in a tone that was so overexcited you would have thought he had just announced that in a few moments candies and chocolates were going to rain from the ceiling.

Remus, who had been confidently wielding this draft alone, sat awkwardly in his seat. No one noticed but Sirius, who glared.

"Why don't you start there, Xavier," Slughorn gestured to a group of girls in front of them. One of them was a redheaded girl named Lily Evans. She was the only one who frowned at the unexpected assistance.

"Rem, he won't bother you in class," Sirius whispered in his ear. "Perk up, sunshine," he added.

But Remus remained in his seat.

Xavier didn't waste much energy on the girls, as Lily was the only one who cared about finishing the potion correctly, and hers was nearly completed. So he rounded on Remus's table. His grey eyes lit up when they spotted two nervous faces. James completely ignored his presence, while Sirius couldn't wait to open his mouth.

And make it worse.

"Hey…hey…hey…big and hairy, listen. I've got a problem with my solution." He grabbed Xavier's attention.

"Then the _solution _is you fail and shut your trap, Black." Flint didn't give him the bait to continue. He rounded immediately on Remus.

"Well, well. I haven't seen you much this year," his voice dripped in malice. "You've been a lucky little pouf,"

Remus's cheeks tinged pink at the insult. He never felt so submissive to anyone before, or lacked the courage to even fight back at all.

"Get lost, Flint," James had broken away from his work.

Xavier turned to him. Without speaking, he dumped half a sack of mice tails into James's cauldron. It had previously been a thick, orange potion. Now it bubbled an angry red and frothed dangerously to the rim.

"Hey!" James ripped the bag from his loose grip. "You've wrecked it,"

"Almost like I hope to wreck you one day, Lupin," Flint prodded him hard in the chest. "See you around,"

Flint had started to leave, and turned half way around when Sirius picked up Remus's cup of the puffer fish eyes. He tossed it at Xavier's back and it struck. Blue, slimy eyes and eye sockets drenched his black robe. They gave off a pungent sea water odor. Everyone in the front of the room froze. Xavier turned around. Sirius had resumed to burning words in his desk, acting as though nothing had happened. Remus was iced over like everyone else only his hands were drenched in an anxious sweat.

"What the hell is a matter with you, Lupin?" Xavier was in his face. His breath was hot, but it chilled Remus all the way to his spine.

"I-I," he stuttered.

"What a pathetic little shit you are." Flint laughed a humorless chuckle. He had turned away, and for a fleeting moment, Remus couldn't believe his luck…until,

There was a large crashing sound as Xavier flipped Remus's cauldron onto the younger boy's head. He had been wearing his dragon hide gloves the entire time, so it wouldn't hurt his skin to touch the hot metal. The Swelling Solution, only halfway finished, caused a strange reaction to Remus's face.

First, his eyes began to protrude. Then out puffed his nose, then his lips and ears. Pretty soon, he looked like an inflatable clown doll.

"What is going _on_ here, Mr. Flint?" exclaimed Professor Slughorn. He had been in the rear of the room until Xavier toppled the cauldron.

"Oh, Lupin here knocked over his Solution in fury when I told him he wasn't doing it correctly," Flint lied, having to speak loudly over the snickers and giggles amongst the second years.

Slughorn put his hands on his hips. "Now, really Mr. Lupin…"

Remus furiously shook his bloated, balloon like head back and forth. This only made everyone laugh harder. Tears threatened to fall out of his eyes, but for all his strength he pushed them back inside.

"I guess some people are envious of other people's knowledge on things like this," Flint sighed in such a fake manner, most people who heard it couldn't believe Slughorn agreed.

"Well, I guess Mr. Potter should run him to the hospital wing-",

He was interrupted by Flint. "No sir, Potter is finishing up. Let me take him, sir,"

Remus's eyes, if they could have grown wider, would have at that moment.

"Fair idea, Xavier, my boy," Slughorn patted him on the back. He looked down at the puddles of Swelling Solution and waved it away with a flick of his wand.

Remus was pulled from his friends and lead through the laughing crowd by Flint, who gripped his arm so tight he was sure it would snap. He looked one last time over his shoulder at the giggling students to see that Sirius was the only one at his table laughing at him.

And that hurt worse than the swelling.

Flint practically dragged him through the dungeon corridor. For a few frightened minutes, Remus was certain Flint was going to take him somewhere alone to bash his brains in. But they seemed to be leading to the Entrance Hall. Until the last possible minute, when Xavier casually pushed the inflated-Remus into an abandoned classroom. When the door shut, so very quietly, Remus shivered where he stood.

Xavier was smiling. It was a sickening, very false smile.

"You shouldn't have done that, faggot,"

Remus stayed silent. He couldn't speak anyway.

"I've had enough of you. First, you nearly damage Lucius's trust in me. That took a long time to mend." Flint seemed to shiver a little himself. "And now you think throwing jars of shit at me is going to fly, do you?"

Xavier tossed him, hard, into the stone wall. Remus felt his balloon head bob. That breath, so hot and rushed, fell against his skin as Flint spoke.

"You best watch yourself, Lupin." he threatened, and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Remus waited. It was a very tense moment. He twisted his hands furiously together, trying not to think how ridiculous he would look walking up to the hospital wing with an inflated head.

Meanwhile, James was berating Sirius for laughing. Something that had never happened before. Even Peter seemed surprised at the lecture.

"Come off it, James," Sirius waved him away. "It was all in good fun. Remus is taking it too hard!"

"Good fun?" the hazel-eyed boy shook his head. Long black hairs fell against his forehead. "You know how he is about Flint,"

"Xavier hates him!" added Peter. "Always out to get him. Tripping him in the halls, smashing his books against the ground and out of Rem's hands."

"He's a big old bully, and you know it Sirius," James narrowed his eyes.

Sirius rolled his own. "Okay, _Mommy_, I'll be more considerate,"

James said nothing, for he didn't believe his best friend for a minute.

The class concluded rather dully. Slughorn bottled their potions for grading, shaking his head at the stain on the floor from Remus's spilled solution.

The three boys packed up their things and headed for the hospital wing.

Remus was lucky. He hadn't met a soul on the way to Pomfrey. She had been flustered up, down, and sideways when he waltzed in like he wasn't ready to pop. But soon enough he was lying on a chalk white dressed hospital bed, sipping down a remedy that tasted oddly like burned cauliflower.

In fact, he was better than before when his friends arrived.

"He doesn't need any visitors," Madam Pomfrey stood guard outside the wing.

"But we just have to see him, please. For just a moment," James pled with her.

She sighed and opened the door for the three of them. For once, Remus wished they hadn't been allowed.

"Oh, you look better," Peter said with a grin of relief. Pomfrey shut the door with a snap.

Remus just shrugged. "You guys didn't have to come. Pomfrey says I can leave before dinner, to make sure I'm fine,"

"Well, we didn't want you to leave this behind," James handed him his patched and frayed book bag.

Remus took it, and placed it beside him on the bed.

"Did-um, did Flint get you up here alright?'

James asked this very cautiously. He knew it was his fault for not forcing himself along, or at least have tried to.

"No. But I got up here quite fine all by myself, thanks," Remus spat.

"Oh," James's voice fell flat.

The four were silent. Remus felt so angry, and betrayed. Somewhere he knew that it was not his friend's fault. But his own, and his own problems with Flint, not theirs. But he was also twelve. And that made it very simple to be angry with the lot.

"You okay then?" James asked.

Remus nodded. "Better go then. You don't wanna be late for last class,"

Very slowly, Peter left the wing, followed by James. However, Sirius stayed behind, staring at Remus in disbelief.

"What?"

Sirius didn't reply right away. Instead he dropped the stare and bit his lip in thought.

"You're actually mad,"

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Perhaps,"

Sirius snorted. "No, really. Are you?"

The smaller, paler boy looked down at the polished infirmary floor.

"I can't believe you, why are you being such a baby? Don't you realize that's what Flint wants you to do! And not stick up for yourself?"

When Remus didn't say anything, Sirius began to leave.

"Whatever you want, then,"

"You just don't get it, do you?" said Remus with so much venom it was practically a foreign language to Sirius.

He turned on the spot. "Get what?"

Remus hopped off the bed. "Flint hates me, Sirius. Downright despises the ground I walk on, the air I breathe."

"Then fight back!"

"I can't!" Remus's hands flew wildly above his head, in anger. "I can't ever,"

"Why. Not." hissed Sirius from between clenched teeth.

Remus and Sirius were face-to-face. Both didn't want to fight one another, but yet again, both boys were furious with the other.

"I-I, I just don't know, okay?" Remus flopped back down on the bed. "I can't explain it I suppose,"

Sirius, who a moment ago had been ruffled now eased into calm. He plopped himself down next to his friend.

"I _suppose_ I'm sorry,"

However, Remus waited to reply. The last class had started a few minutes ago, and Madam Pomfrey hadn't been out of her office to shoo Sirius away yet. Harsh, late Autumn winds pounded against the long, slender windows of the hospital wing. Everything was very quiet, as nobody else was occupying any of the remaining beds.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," sighed Sirius, laying down too, now. Their legs dangled over the right half of the bed. Both of them were side by side, looking up at the domed ceiling. Two gigantic candle lit chandeliers took up most of the perfectly shaped white stone. Just as the sky began to darken, an orange light filled up and swallowed the wing. Soon the two twelve year olds heard Madame Pomfrey open the door to her office.

_And Now…_

Oh, how Sirius infuriated me. He could make me mad, and then completely unravel that in about fifteen minutes, I'd wager. I would grow to hate that as we got older. I would hate as well, the selfishness that was Sirius in every way. He knew that it was there, once he hit thirty or so. But it had been hard, growing up so infatuated by him. He was intelligent when he wanted to be. And quite handsome after we'd gone through puberty and all of that following nonsense.

I wouldn't say I knew for sure that I loved him until we were fifteen. Looking back, that certainly feels like a one hundred year old memory. War has placed a fog over old things. Putting them away from me really _is _best, I think. Why would someone want to focus on a dead person for the rest of their life?

A silver strand hangs limply at the end of my wand, before it falls like a stream of thickened water into the stone basin.


	2. Two Times

Title: A Vacancy

Notes: Before Remus admits his mutual feelings for Tonks, he makes a Pensieve.

_One_. **Two. **_Three. Four. Five._

The next memory surfaced quickly, although I could feel it struggle as I attempted to push it to the surface of my brain. We were older in this one. But we still didn't know much. I learned something from this as well, that, no matter how hard you try to fall into a feeling, if it isn't there, you can't force it. Nor drive it away. You don't want to feel pity or infatuation or hate or unrequited affection. You want happiness, pride, and love. No matter how many times I try to force myself to fall for old pictures of Sirius, I can't do it. A photograph can only do so much.

And a picture of someone as unique as Sirius is a poor comparison. You just cannot live on that.

_January __1976_

Four boys fit too snuggly in an oval room. A small fireplace took up most of the west wall, with a salt and pepper mantel in marble. The embers burned scarlet with a searing heat that filled the entire space. A portrait of a cold-eyed witch hung over the fireplace, her beady green orbs bearing down upon the lot. The room only had one window, and the moth eaten curtains were pulled tight across the glass. If any of them had taken a look, they would've seen the grounds outside covered in snow and ice.

The tallest boy sat in the only armchair. He leant forward, hands raised slightly above his knees in an attempt at an extravagated explanation. Beside the window, another boy sat on a hard and rickety old rocking chair. His head rested limply on his palm. The other two were standing in front of the fire. Sirius, who had become a very handsome young man, stood with his legs apart and feet firmly to the threadbare rug.

While Remus on the other hand, stood very rigidly. His arms were crossed tight across his chest, which looked awkwardly bulky due to the size of his sweater.

James sighed for the fifth time in the past ten minutes. "Sirius…you have to focus mate. You obviously aren't picturing the dog right,"

There was a hiss and it came from Sirius, who exhaled loudly and had the air push through his teeth.

"I picture it just fine,"

Remus shook his head. He was probably the smallest out of the boys. James and Sirius grew like weeds. Peter was Remus's height, but he had much more meat on his bones. He often looked underfed and dehydrated, like a plant left to die in a drought.

"You need a _good_ picture,"

"I've studied that dumb animal encyclopedia eleven million times!" exclaimed Sirius, exasperated. "I know what a domestic dog looks and feels like,"

"It says ere'," Peter had a large book in his lap. It looked rather old and moldy, with fading gold letters on the spine. "That you have to _be _the creature,"

"Yeah," James folded his hands and slid back in the armchair. "You bein' the beast, Siry?"

A grin tugged at the corners of his mouth. But Sirius just looked irritated.

"I'm too tired for this shit now," he plopped into another hard wooden chair in the corner. "Let Peter practice,"

Peter stood up, looking excited and proud. He pointed his wand down towards his head. Muttering under his breath, he didn't make a move. But slowly his entire body imploded in on itself. A large, fat dark grey rat now scuttled all over the floorboards, darting this way and that way. Sirius watched in annoyance as Peter showed off. After five minutes or so, Peter turned back into his human form. A giant smile bloomed on his wide face.

"Perfect," Remus complimented.

"Oh just amazing," Sirius rolled his eyes, but no one seemed to notice.

James was checking his watch. "I've got Quidditch in ten minutes,"

"Lemme come," Peter begged. James seemed to contemplate this, but then nodded.

"Sure,"

"I'll stay with Sirius. Make sure he practices," Remus added, while pointedly staring at his long haired friend. Inky black strands hid any resentment that was bolting from Sirius's hazy grey eyes.

James and Peter left the room and shut the door behind them. Remus sat in the now vacant armchair. He seemed very exhausted for a fifteen year old. But of course, he wasn't an average adolescent wizard. Remus Lupin was a werewolf. And the only reason his friends had tried (or in Sirius's case 'trying' would be more correct), to become animals or as wizards called them, 'Anamagi' was to tag along with Remus during his full moon transformations. They had been studying for nearly a year now. Both James and Peter could fully transform into their chosen animals. James's was a gigantic stag and Peter's was obviously a garden rat. This worked perfectly because in order to sneak into where Remus was placed for full moon times, you had to press the freeze knot on the roots of the gnarly Whomping Willow tree. Peter would be the best one for that job. The Shrieking Shack had been built before Remus's arrival in first year. The noises he made as a wolf made anyone in the wizarding village of Hogsmeade fearful to even approach its rusted iron gate.

Headmaster Dumbledore kept up a rumor that it was haunted. Once a month, Remus would walk down a secret passage way behind an old mirror on the fourth floor of Hogwarts. There, he would be left alone to transform. But it was horrid. He would howl, and scratch, and bite himself because there was no one to come into contact with. Remus knew it was for the safety of others, but he had multiple scars all over his pale flesh. In addition, many students wondered about his small stature and lethargy.

Actually, Remus had even tried to hide this secret from his own friends. He would make up far-fetched tales of sick mothers, grandmothers, and sisters until James was convinced they were probably all dead by the time Christmas rolled around in second year. But his friends figured it out one warm day in April that same school term. And instead of rejecting Remus, they tried to help him instead.

When Professor McGonagall told them about the Ministry of Magic's recorded list of Animagi, James asked more and more questions until she recommended the library. To her surprise, all three, minus Remus, took her advice and began practicing in secret.

But once it became too complicated they asked their friend for help. It was something they had all given up on and began again several times. It wasn't until the past summer holiday that Peter and James wished to master the skill. They dragged Sirius back into it, unwillingly this time.

Now that the end of the vacation was approaching, Sirius was the only one not ready for this month's full moon. And he seemed more and more irate about the entire deal to accompany Remus into his shack.

"You ready?" Remus asked Sirius, who was still sitting in the chair, sliding slowly into a stupor.

But Sirius rose a moment later and stood facing the fire. His body would jolt and twist, trying to conform to his wanted shape. However, there was nothing. Just a fifteen year old looking angrily into a pit of smoldering flames.

"What is it?"

"I can't do it,"

Sirius was looking at him now. He pocketed his wand and held his hands limply at his sides.

"You wanted to help me," Remus said trying to remain as though this didn't matter. He had been looking forward to having companionship as a wolf for so long. He thought that maybe, it was finally going to happen. Sirius was just the most important guest, it wouldn't feel whole without him. It bothered Remus, like a bad itch, as to why it felt as though Sirius giving up felt like giving up Christmas forever.

Sirius shrugged. "You're always depending on me and James too much for stuff,"

At this, a slice of anger rippled inside Remus. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah," Sirius dropped his look. "Kinda like Pete always needs us,"

"I stand up for myself!" Remus shouted, feeling ashamed of being compared to Peter, despite their own friendship. A red flush consumed his pale cheeks.

"Only when we tell you to, Rem,"

Remus shot off a look that could have shattered glass. "I don't follow you and James, oh King Sirius,"

Sirius threw his hands in the air in frustration. "I knew you would fucking take it that way!"

"Oh come off your throne. You are just _pissed_ that you can't do something that even _poor _little Pete can master," spat Remus.

Both boys stared at one another in pure fury. Remus never resorted to human violence. Words and wands all the way. But for the first time, an acid paced through his veins like his own blood. He pictured throwing Sirius against the wall or to the rough stone floor and making his face bruise. And looking directly into his opponent's eyes, Remus knew the same mental images were spinning through Sirius's head.

"How fucking hard is it to be a werewolf?" Sirius asked spitefully. "I mean, yeah you get to lose a day of class…you are always 'ill'…attention is a sick drug, Remus…pride filled your head the moment James said we'd slave away to help _you_."

Sirius pulled a face Remus had never quite seen. It was disgust, a forced face.

"Always about _you_. Always need someone to carry _you_. Well, it's not me,"

And with that, he walked across the threadbare carpet and went right out the door.

The next few weeks were difficult. James sided with neither Sirius or Remus, and told the lot of them to stop behaving like girls. Peter seemed confused on who was right, usually siding with Remus. Either way, both of the boys refused to speak to one another. By the time classes started back up again, things remained as chilled as the weather outside.

The first Thursday back in school, all four came to find themselves at dinner together. James sat between Sirius and Remus. The former looked completely calm as if nothing was wrong, while the latter refused to stare anywhere beside him and kept his eyes forward.

"…but as long as we win this next match against Ravenclaw, I don't see how we couldn't take the cup from Slytherin." James was telling Sirius.

"I may try out next year,"

James grinned. "You should,"

Sirius didn't return a smile, but stretched out his shoulders instead. "It's the weekend soon. Whatchoo suppose we do?"

James's happy look faded a bit. "Well, tomorrow is a full moon…"

"Oh,"

The tense mood that had been hanging like a noose over their heads for weeks, tightened.

"We told Remus we would go," James lowered his voice to a whisper.

"Right."

There was no budging a stubborn Sirius. He would coolly play off his irritation, because he wanted people to believe that nothing ever ruffled him. Especially if it was something he wasn't good at or wrong about.

The first full moon came too fast after the warm relaxed feeling of the holidays. Not that Remus ever felt relaxed at any time. There was always a slight edge in his manner. At precisely four o' clock, Remus reported to the hospital wing. He didn't need escorted anymore, of course. But a check in with Madame Pomfrey was always required.

"Hello Remus," the young medi-witch greeted him from her office door. She glanced to the window, seeming nervous for one fleeting moment…that is, until she saw that the rays of sundown had not appeared yet.

"Afternoon,"

Madam Pomfrey bustled about, checking Remus's name down and the date and time, as she always had.

Remus felt anxious. He attributed it mostly to the approaching transformation, but there was something extra there tonight. A stag and a rat would be visiting him. He wouldn't have to stay there alone. And for a second, a pang of sadness drifted through him. Sirius should be coming. However, he obviously wasn't going to. So any hope of seeing the giant black dog he had pictured in his dreams, vanished.

"You can go now, dear," Pomfrey smiled warmly at him. She favored him over many of the other students. Probably because she saw him the most.

"Just be sure you come up in the morning,"

If he wasn't in the wing by daybreak, Dumbledore would have Hagrid fetch him. It happened on a few occasions where Remus had gotten particularly lonely, which made the wolf angry.

Remus returned her grin with a sad, tiny smile and walked out of the hospital wing.

Before long he found himself standing alone in the shack. He never called it the Shrieking Shack, as the students and villagers below did. He stared numbly around familiar sights. The couch with stuffing torn from it. Broken table and chairs. The fireplace, once a beautifully carved maple mantel- covered in claw marks and bite marks. The air smelt of unwashed fur.

The last dregs of afternoon winter light were pulling away from the cracks in the boarded up shack windows. There was a twitch beneath Remus's skin. Then another. Then it felt as though a thousand white-hot pokers were pressing against every part of him. Flesh tore and fur grew. His felt his torso lengthen, his legs grew narrow, his eyes yellowed- claws grew from what used to be a set of pale, roughly skinned hands.

A werewolf howled from the center of the shack.

The people in Hogsmeade, whether they were having a drink in a tavern, shopping, or sitting in their cottages, looked to the direction of the shack in habit. In fear.

However, a beautiful deer and a large garden rat were running quickly towards the Whomping Willow tree. They looked rather peculiar together beneath the moonlight.

The rat darted amongst the branches and pressed an ugly root on the tree. The violent, murderous plant froze its whipping branches. The stag ran under some of the loose roots and brush. The two animals ran together down a dark tunnel. With his antlers, the stag pushed open the door.

A werewolf howled from a corner in the demolished sitting room. But not from its usual pains. It recognized the smells of James and Peter, finally happy to have someone to play with.

The next morning, James and Peter crept through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor Tower. It was nearly five, and they were sure that no one would be awake yet. They seemed to be right. Their dorm was silent as they undressed and fell into their unmade four poster beds. Both were strangely happy with how things had gone. No one had been hurt, and even though they were exhausted, they felt exhilarated at having been inhuman for a whole evening.

However they had been wrong.

Sirius had been awake the entire night as well. He silently walked through the common room now, his bed the only comforting thought in his brain. Never had he tried so hard on a spell. But he wanted to be like his friends. Only better.

As he laid down in the dormitory, sleep came very quickly. For the first time in months Sirius had tried the spell again. He was determined to prove Remus wrong and become an Animagi.

For some unknown reason, Sirius kept this a giant secret. Soon it was April at Hogwarts. Rain beat down onto castle almost every other day. It was a cold rain to make matters entirely worse. Remus watched the storms rage outside during Charms, moaning silently inside because there would be another full moon tonight.

Another wonderful event that would feel like living on an empty stomach the morning afterwards.

Flitwick was rambling on about methods to develop a Summoning Charm, when a balled up piece of parchment hit Remus square on the head.

He picked it up off the floor and smoothed it out on his desk.

_We'll be a little late. I've got Quidditch and Wormtail flunked McGonagall's pop quiz so he's got another tomorrow morning he can't miss._

_- Prongs_

Remus's heart sunk even lower. He would be alone again, just as he had been for years.

'_I should be used to it by now,' _he told himself. But he didn't believe it.

The bell for dinner rang too quickly in Remus's opinion. James smiled halfheartedly when they met in the corridor.

"Sorry, mate. No way out of this one," James glared at Peter, who came out of the class last.

"If this one hadn't gotten himself in trouble with old McGonagall,"

Peter pretended he didn't hear anything. "We going to dinner?"

Remus shook his head. "Nah, I'll just be heading out,"

At that moment, Sirius rushed by them as though they weren't even there.

James rolled his eyes. "He's my best mate. But what a prat,"

They didn't see the determined, accomplished look that burned within Sirius's steely eyes.

As always, Remus sat waiting for the sun to set in his withering shack. He had gone off too early and now he wished he had went to dinner after all. Feeling famished, he sat down on a cushion.

A scratching sound echoed from down the tunnel. Remus looked up. Perhaps Pomfrey was checking up on him. He knew he left too soon.

But that scratching…like long nails on the stone. Too many legs. The door to the shack slid open. A large, furry, black dog padded into the room and sat in front of Remus.

Remus stared at it. "S-Sirius?"

Sirius barked.

"You did it…but I thought you said-,"

But Sirius pushed the smaller boy to the ground with both front paws, ceasing his words mid-sentance.

Remus laughed softly. "Alright you earned it then, Padfoot,"

Sirius barked again, and wagged his tail this time.

When the full moon rose into the clouds, Sirius stood by, transfixed in horror. He never knew the pain his friend went through. When Remus howled, so did Sirius. They chased one another around the entire shack. Both panting, both canine. They had so many more things in common, the dog and the wolf. Much more than with the stag and rat.

They both slept on the floor of the dusty, old shack. Remus woke up first, stretching his muscles which always ached more than usual after a full moon. James and Peter had never showed. Oddly it didn't seem to matter. There wasn't an empty stomach feeling this time.

Instead of a dog on the torn up couch, there laid Sirius, his leg twitching in his slumber.

_And Now…_

He was a stubborn fool. It got in his way a lot. With me, he tried to look by it. Tried to let me win sometimes. I think with the Animagi thing, he let me win without having to acknowledge it. Sirius pretended that he was proving us all wrong by learning that spell. One upping us, giving us our comeuppance. James was amazed at how fast Sirius went from dog to human and vice versa.

He even said how Sirius made a better dog than a person. Not that he appreciated that too much.

The strand I pulled knew its fate. It clung to the graying edges of my hair, before it slid quietly into the stone basin.


	3. Three Times

Title: A Vacancy

Notes: Before Remus admits his mutual feelings for Tonks, he makes a Pensieve. Sorry for the last chapter, it was a tad shotty and forced. I may re-do it after it is completed. Also, there is drug use in this chapter.

_One_**. **_Two. _**Three. **_Four. Five._

Dora just left the room.

She makes a face when I call her that, so I call her it in my head. Her parents refer to her by that nickname, but perhaps I have not yet earned the privilege. Ever since I hastily denied her offer to go have a drink off duty…things aren't the same. That's when I realized how cloudy my head was. How fogged over. Sirius wouldn't leave me because I held on so hard to memories. To pictures. To things that aren't even real anymore. Not that they felt real before. Being seventeen and love struck is hard enough, let alone falling for your best mate.

I felt so inadequate the last two years of Hogwarts when it came to intimate experiences. I had snogged in my day of course, but every moment had so much awkwardness and the girls never wanted to see me again. Couldn't blame them really.

So questioning my feelings for Sirius was forbidden in my brain for awhile. Ignoring it worked for a bit, but not forever. You can't live forever on a lie.

The bed feels so very soft, in this damp, dark hideaway. I can't help but think that maybe I would have been better off if I had just extended the lie. Just left it be for a few more years, then maybe…but alas, I know that what is done is done. Maybe my life was better with the experience.

I laugh out loud. It sounds hollow and lifeless in the basement.

Sirius _was_ quite the experience.

_March 1978_

"Sorry," mumbled a low, soft voice. It came from a male.

"It's okay, really…" said a female one. It wasn't as soft, and she seemed frustrated.

There was a lot of shuffling and sounds of items being knocked over in this small supply closet. A bucket toppled with a thud, spilling bottles of _Mrs. Scower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover _to the ground.

"Remus maybe we should take this…ouch!" the girl rubbed her nose where Remus's head had whacked into it. "Elsewhere!"

"What, a different closet?" Remus asked.

She sighed. "No,"

"Oh,"

Rachel Brown had been inquiring about his bed for the past few days. Not directly, of course. First she asked about his roommates, then how the furniture was rearranged, wanting to know if it differed from the Gryffindor girl rooms. Next Rachel told him that she had never been inside any of the boy's dorms. Oh, that had been an excellent thing to mention when Sirius was a few feet away at the dinner table. Remus had to watch in apprehension as Sirius's lips positively quivered around a smart remark.

It was hard work keeping a girl. Remus wasn't even sure if this qualified as a real relationship. All of the snogging seemed silly. It was rare he felt attracted to Rachel.

Not that this was a flaw with her. Rachel was the twin of Richard Brown, a good friend to James Potter. She was very pretty, with long golden brown hair that was always tied back with a bow. Rachel had good marks, and was excellent conversation. Usually. Around Remus, she became very flirtatious, aggressive really. It turned Remus away from her.

There was something else to it. But Remus pushed that feeling away every time it tried to bubble to the surface.

"If you don't want to, I'd understand." Rachel said in a breathy voice.

Just then the bell rang. They had skived off the last few minutes of Transfiguration. But it was just a waste.

"I'm sorry,"

He could see a very sharp outline of Rachel in the shallow layer of darkness. She was fussing with her shirt, trying to locate the buttonholes without much success. Remus had a fleeting urge to help push the tiny white buttons through, but stayed still. He held her school robe in his hand, the skirts dragging on the dusty wooden floor.

Rachel was swearing under her breath. Finally she pulled her wand from her pocket, and flicking her wrist, a beam of light lit up the storage cupboard. Boxes of super absorbent sponges and mop heads lined both walls. Rachel quickly began to button her tight white shirt. It was opened at the top, revealing a full chest covered by a frilly and expensive looking dark green bra, outlined in black lace.

A twinge rippled through Remus's lower abdomen. It was pleasant, but at the same time unfamiliar. He watched her dress and handed over the robe, which she took roughly from his hand.

"Check to see if anyone is in the hall," Rachel told him while putting her bag over her shoulder.

Remus glanced quickly at the Marauder's Map in his own book bag, watching carefully so that she didn't see. The corridor outside the closet was deserted.

He went to open the knob, a lump forming in his dry throat.

"Wait," Rachel pulled him away, kissing his lips harder than ever before. Pulling back, she stared desperately into his eyes. Remus stared back into hers. They were almond shaped, and a beautiful shade of clear blue. But he felt nothing. Her entire body inhaled and exhaled quietly against his own.

There was a rush of that unpleasant yet still pleasant tingle…it sparked but it faded _so_ fast.

"Is there nothing?"

"I-I…I just can't,"

Her arms fell limply to her sides.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," he apologized again.

She sighed, letting her eyes linger on her shoes for a moment. "That's okay, Remus," she tilted her head up, smiling.

"Oh!" she reached forward and pulled the zipper of Remus's trousers back up.

He blushed, and muttered a thank you as they exited the closet.

It had been the same way with Ester Banks, a rather cheeky and forward girl Remus used to study with in the library. They had been friends for five years at the time, platonic and polite. So when Ester kissed him in the Transfiguration section, it came as a shock to Remus. He had to decline her offers too. He just did not feel strongly enough for either Rachel or Ester to be with them in certain ways. It wasn't even just sex. If they asked to be his girlfriend, he could accept, but he was sure that would just be leading them on. And lying wasn't a policy of Remus Lupin.

Unless he happened to be lying to himself.

That same evening after dinner, Remus settled into an armchair by the common room fire. A thick stack of Herbology notes rested in his lap. Professor Sprout had assured them yesterday that there would be an upcoming pop quiz. Peter sat on the couch a few feet from Remus, biting his already short and stubby nails. A much thinner stack of notes was laying awkwardly on the table, some stained with ink blobs. Sirius and James had no notes whatsoever. They had turned two old armchairs around so they could play a game of wizards chess on a rickety wooden table.

"C'mon, you stupid excuse for a knight!" Sirius prodded the figure with his index finger. It looked up at him in distaste. But when James's knight moved to check him, the black knight's expression changed from annoyance to urgent fear.

Soon he was in pieces on the table.

"Bloody hell Prongs, that's three games in a row," Sirius huffed as his players hobbled back onto the board.

James was grinning. "Wanna go for four?"

Sirius shook his head. "I don't think my ego could take anymore," he sighed and leant back in his cushy armchair.

"Suit yourself," James slid the chess pieces into purple drawstring bags.

"Sirius, why don't you study for Sprout's test? You know you have no idea what to do if a Venomous Tentacula has a vitamin deficiency," Remus spoke over his large tower of detailed class notes.

"Well, Moon, I don't care." Sirius muttered around a yawn.

Remus glared, but that made Sirius smile.

"Come off it. You don't wanna work with spiky, angry, hormonal plants anyway,"

"Yeah, but I do want to gain more than two N.E.W.T.S,"

"I'll earn at least three," Sirius said as though this were quite the accomplishment.

Remus snorted.

"Moony's right," Peter said seriously. Sprout said Tentacula care is on the N.E.W.T test,"

"You all are stupid," James declared, walking back from the boy's dormitories where he had been putting away his chessboard. "Should've dropped Herbology like me,"

"It's a very important subject," Remus said.

James opened his mouth, ready to say something sarcastic that he believed to be witty when a long legged, very pretty girl climbed through the portrait hole. She had long, dark red hair and fantastic green eyes that seemed to only glow even more in the dim light of the common room. A book sack was pulled very tight against her pale neck, due to the obvious fact that it was overloaded with heavy textbooks and scrolls of notes.

"Lily, what are you doing?" James practically jumped over to help her with her bag.

"Studying, what else?" she said irritably. "Do you realize our N.E.W.T's are less than twelve weeks away? I'm exhausted."

James kissed her cheek and set her bag in his now empty armchair across from Sirius.

"Budge up, Pete,"

Peter unwillingly moved, not taking his small and bloodshot eyes off his wrinkled notes. Lily sat down and James squeezed next to her.

They made a perfectly swell couple, but if you knew them personally, you knew it had taken six years for it to happen. Lily Evans had outright hated James until he unknowingly grew up. Personally, Remus thought Lily's brainy and organized manner had pushed him to it. It was a blessing for the world, no doubt.

"All this studying is making me sleepy," Sirius announced. No one took any notice but Remus.

"Want me to help you with the test?"

"Did I ask for it, Moony?" Sirius snapped. But his expression immediately softened. "Sorry mate,"

Remus shrugged. "What's up with you anyway?"

As though on theatrical cue, a cluster of three seventh year girls clambered through the portrait hole. All of them were rather good looking, but once you got close enough, you noticed it was because of several layers of make up. The tallest one, blonde hair and blue eyed, glared at the back of Sirius's head as though it was staring at her funny. She wore more cosmetics than her two friends, who were also looking at Sirius in a similar manner.

Remus knew her as Vanessa Fawcett. Everyone else knew her as one of the loosest girls in Gryffindor. But Sirius called her his bird.

She looked rather like a poor, life sized version of those dolls that Muggle children had. Long, sleek locks of bright blonde hair. So many inches of leg exposed, for she had trimmed her skirts that way. Always wore an expression of arrogance mixed with an air of being unruffled. But she didn't have a sultry look in her dull eyes now. Remus was reminded vaguely of Rachel's blue eyes, and how much sparkle they had.

His stomach clenched. But he managed to whisper, "What did you do?"

Vanessa whispered something to her friends. They giggled in unison. Remus found this an extremely odd, and irritating quality of most girls.

Sirius turned around in his chair. "What do you want?"

"An apology, for a start," Vanessa's smile had faded. Her friends ceased their laughing.

"Well…hope springs eternal,"

"You are such a jackass, you know that?" Vanessa said acidly. Her eyes narrowed. "If that's the way you want it, then consider whatever joke we had over, Sirius,"

"Fine by me," he gave her a cold stare. He got out of his armchair and walked across the room, giving Vanessa a wide berth as he left the common room.

She threw up her hands in frustration. "I hate him," she mumbled before running up the steps to the girl's dormitories.

Lily watched her friends rush up the staircase after her. She snorted.

"Vanessa and Sirius…how long was that one, three weeks?"

"Believe it or not, a whole month," James shook his head. "Sirius couldn't hold down a bird even if they paid him for it,"

Peter let out a low whistle. "Well, I suppose someone should go…you know, have a chat with him?"

At once, they all turned to look at Remus.

"What?" he asked, but quickly realized what their looks implied. "Oh, no…I'm not getting suckered into that deal again. You're supposed to be his best mate,"

"You're better with emotions, Rem. We support you," James smiled, and tossed in a small wink.

"Very funny,"

But Remus put his notes away and left the common room anyway, the Marauder's map still in his pocket from that afternoon.

Once the Fat Lady's portrait had closed, he pulled out the parchment. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Remus tapped it with his wand.

Argus Filch, the school's caretaker, was wandering safely away from the seventh floor. Mrs. Norris, his ever-present and always bothersome cat was trailing behind him for once, rather than looking for ne'er-do-wells on her own accord. No one else was really around, seeing as curfew had just ended. Sirius had made tracks already, and he was still walking quickly through the fourth floor.

Remus bounded down the steps, and once he arrived at the fourth floor landing, he noticed that Sirius was in the boy's loo next to one of the Arithmancy classrooms.

"Oh, how cliché," Remus mumbled and then walked into the bathroom.

Sirius was sitting on a sink. One leg was thrown up casually over another basin, his foot beneath the faucet. Remus was not surprised to see a cigarette between his fingers. A light cloud of gray smoke hovered around the mirrors.

"Go back to the tower, Rem,"

"They don't want me to come back without you. You know that," Remus leant against a wall of one of the only toilet stalls.

Sirius chuckled without any humor. "Go," he flicked the ashes from his cigarette to the tiled floor.

There was a few moments of silence.

"She wasn't worth it, Padfoot. She's a right old slut,"

"Yeah?" he expelled a large amount of smoke from his lips. Remus watched it pour out. He never noticed how full Sirius's lips were. The bottom and top were almost equal in size, except that the bottom lip constantly looked inflated, giving him a permanent pout. Remus found that his fingers were touching his own pale, thin lips. It didn't seem fair.

Sirius stamped out the end of his cigarette against the wall behind him.

"Do you believe in soul mates, Moony?"

It was a deep question, so naturally Remus paused before he answered.

"I suppose,"

"I always wondered if it were true. But there are so many people out there…how am I supposed to search through all the excess?" Sirius shook his head. His hair was longer than usual, he had been cutting it lately. Long, thick strands fell all over the place as he ran his hand through the mess.

Remus wondered what it would be like to touch it. Not that he hadn't before. Friendly jokes and wrestling for six years- of course the opportunity would have arrived. But he wanted it in a different sort of way. Images of grasping a hold of it, letting the soft black mane slide around his fingers. But as soon as they came, Remus banished the thoughts away for another pathetic Saturday when he was sure to be alone in his bed with his hand between his thighs.

His stance against the wall faltered a bit. It was becoming harder to vanquish these "unwanted" thoughts.

Sirius lit up another cigarette. "But let's discuss you mate. You bed that Rachel yet?"

This brought Remus crashing the rest of the way down from these mental pictures. "No…I don't think it's going to work,"

Sirius laughed. It had always been a sort of bark, but since he started transforming into a dog at regular intervals, the barking increased.

"What's so funny?" Remus said, a tad hurt. Rachel certainly had not seemed amused this afternoon.

"You'll be a virgin longer than Peter at this rate!" Sirius said, holding the cig between his teeth, giving his laugh a warble.

"Thanks," Remus slid down the wall.

Sirius hopped off the sink. "It's not that bad," he went over to the urinals. "I don't think he'll beat you, to be honest…" he unzipped his trousers.

The sound cut Remus like a jab with a penknife. He looked away, towards the door. Any thoughts that drifted down from his imagination, he lit them on fire. Remus could almost see the amount of ash that would have amounted to if it were real.

It was never going to happen.

Maybe in his hazy daydreams, when he was stuck all by his lonesome in Ancient Runes…he'd let the thoughts stay awhile. At first, he had been scared to allow it at all. As though if he pictured it, someone was sure to see it somehow. But one came through, then another, and another…until he had the perfect picture of what he wished he could see.

But never having it was becoming an overwhelming itch.

Sirius, zipped up now, walked over and sat on the floor too. He leant against the tiled wall and heaved a sigh.

"I suppose you don't want a smoke?" he offered the carton to Remus, who shook his head.

"You're lungs are gonna blow one day,"

But Sirius only smiled.

What did he want?

Sex?

Well, yeah. Most eighteen year old boys wanted to have sex, some more often than others. But what Remus wanted…it was so difficult to even speak of. He'd like to tell Sirius about those lonely Saturday nights, his pajama pants pooled at his ankles, wanking to everything about his best friend that drove him completely insane. From the way Sirius breathed, to how he looked in summertime, sweat covered after playing Quidditch with James. Remus wished even now that he could just move a strand of Sirius's hair away from his hard grey eyes. Just to push it behind his ear.

But Remus could not have these moments or do these things. For one, he was definitely sure that Sirius was straight. Plus, he wasn't even his best friend. That was James's place, not his.

He couldn't feel farther from Sirius, even though he was only sitting a few feet from him.

Love was such a bitch.

"Moony…do me a favor," Sirius interrupted Remus's misery time once again. He was doing something that couldn't be seen from this angle.

"What?"

"Stay here and smoke this with me," he held out a squat brown object Remus had never seen before. He knew what it was of course, but no one had ever offered him one.

"Why?" Remus stared suspiciously at it.

Grey eyes looked into his golden ones. They were so prominent, and so miserable. Sirius was rarely miserable.

So when he lit it, Remus hit it.

They each took drags from the funny drug. Remus felt his muscles quiver at first, knowing his mouth touched where Sirius's had been. Those lips…

Soon both of them were halfway to stoned.

"I love you, Moony,"

Smoke clogged the bathroom now. Between Sirius's cigarettes and the drugs, even if Filch were to stumble in he wouldn't see them laying there, side by side on the floor of the loo.

"I hate love," Remus mumbled into his hand.

"You said you'd never smoke with me,"

"Yeah, well,"

Every time Remus blinked now he saw his favorite pictures. But now he didn't force them away.

Sirius got up. He turned so that he sat in front of Remus's legs.

"You have grotesque shoes,"

"Since when do you say grotesque?"

They both laughed; a bark and a smooth chuckle.

Sirius began to hum. "I hate women. Love sex, but I hate the whole fucking process. But then, if you want just sex, you know she's a whore. No offense mate, bout' Rachel and all,"

"Rachel _is_ a whore," Remus said sadly.

"No! No, no no…" Sirius cried. "She's a nice girl…just a little _whore_-like,"

This made them laugh again.

"You good at snogging yet?" Sirius yawned.

Remus shrugged. It looked awkward doing it while laying down.

"I'm brilliant,"

"So sure of yourself,"

"Yeah I am! Wanna see?" Sirius laughed alone at this. Remus was quiet.

Silence fell in the bathroom. A shadow absorbed Remus, something was crawling up his thighs, and it sat down hard on his hips. It was heavy.

It was Sirius. He was looking down at Remus.

"Want to see?" his lips spoke against Remus's mouth, which felt dry and useless.

Sirius did not give him a chance to answer. He kissed him roughly, pressing down so deep that Remus dimly felt his skull grate against the grimy tile. Sirius was indeed an excellent kisser, even when he was stoned. He sucked Remus's bottom lip into his mouth, biting it between his teeth. Remus felt obliged to do something. He felt quite dumb lying pointlessly on the floor. He placed his hands on Sirius's hips, as he had done with Rachel. He didn't move them.

However, if Sirius noticed, nothing was said. He was too preoccupied outlining the shape of Remus's lips with his tongue. From this, Sirius broke off and began to lick and bite at a spot on the other boy's collarbone. It turned red, and a violent shade at that.

"Do you like it, Moony?" Sirius asked, rather breathless after a few minutes.

Somewhere Remus found oxygen. It swam around pretty fast in this loo. "I do…like it…a lot," he added.

"Want more? I know you do, I can feel you against my leg…even through these stupid fucking frocks," he tore at Remus's robes, making him laugh.

"Frocks?"

Sirius pushed Remus's robes open. The laughing stopped.

"Take them off,"

But Remus stayed still, shell shocked.

Sirius shook his head. "I'll go first then, you are always such a baby." He pushed open his school robes and shook them off his shoulders. Then, he took off the t-shirt beneath them. A well-toned bare chest was sitting on Remus's hips. Sirius's chest. Hadn't he been dreaming of that for two years? Was he dreaming now? He really couldn't remember if had fallen asleep yet. But these tiles felt nothing like sheets.

He grabbed Remus's hands, which started to shake. Maybe they had been before now. Sirius placed them on his hips, urging them to stroke his skin. Remus did so, realizing how clammy all of his own skin felt. He touched shoulder blades, and a collarbone…ribs and the outlining shape of his abdomen. Everything felt more real than usual. More extraordinary. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just Sirius.

He leapt off Remus's lap, pulling him so that they were both in the same position. Sirius sat up on his knees, and unzipped his trousers. The sound cut into Remus again. Sirius moved the hand he had been holding onto and slid it inside to his crotch. It was so warm there Remus thought that somehow he had been lit ablaze. His face flushed, and the feeling, that unpleasant sensation that was also so very pleasant at the same time, crept through his body like a fever.

Only now it didn't leave. It exploded.

Sirius was kissing him now, at the same time he was nonchalantly pushing Remus's robes off. His own hands pushed Remus's t-shirt up and over his head. Even in this haze, Remus felt that his chest paled in comparison to Sirius's.

"I do love you Moony," Sirius mumbled against the belt holding up Remus's too-big trousers. "Don't you love me?"

"I do, I always have," he whispered into the air.

Sirius continued to snog him well into two in the morning. By then, the drugs were well wearing off. He sat there, shirtless and tired. He seemed confused, as puzzled as Remus was bruised. Bite marks were scattered all over his neck and chest and even his back.

"Did we have sex?" Sirius asked him vaguely.

"No," Remus shook his head.

"What the fuck did I do?" he glanced at all of his teeth marks. "Bloody hell you could have stopped me,"

"You wanted to…you didn't mean to?"

Now Remus was confused. Embarrassment crept up on him.

Sirius was just shaking his head, muttering a string of "fuck fuck fuck" under his breath.

"You wanted me to?"

He stared incredulously.

"I-I…" Remus couldn't speak. The heaven he had lived in for three hours had crumbled. How could he have expected anything different? What did he expect after this, a date?

Well maybe he did.

"I can't believe you let me! We were stoned but…_Merlin, _Remus…"

Sirius grabbed the Marauder's map off the floor, and checking it quickly, he rushed out of the bathroom. Remus stayed put. His shirt and belt were thrown around the loo. Suddenly he felt very cold. He felt his limbs curl into his body, retracting any happiness. He felt like a fool. And even more so for the tears that fell out of his eyes and down into the cracks in the tile.

The following classes that morning were dreadful.

Having been high for the first time, Remus declared it a hazardous thing and promised his lagging brain he'd never do it again. At least he was mortified enough that his special mental images were too ashamed to return at the moment.

Lily noticed his steady decline into a total wreck during their Ancient Runes class that afternoon.

"What's wrong?" her voice seemed genuinely concerned.

Remus spoke directly into his desk. "Let's just say I did something I shouldn't have. Now I'm going to pay for it,"

The last period began and Remus's mind wandered as it had the past three classes.

Sirius had avoided him all day, which was easy because they had only Herbology together. Remus was sure failed Sprout's exam. He had answered every single one of the questions with "Why?"

By dinner he considered drowning himself in the rain puddles that were forming outside in the current downpour.

Sirius wasn't at the table. James explained that in their Care of Magical Creatures class, Sirius had 'accidentally' tossed his very irate baby Imp into Professor Kettleburn's face, resulting in several scratches and bites, and now had to help him clean their cages as a punishment.

Later that evening, Sirius was absent.

"Wonder where he's gone to," James said over a game of chess with Peter, who lost just as bad, maybe worse, than Sirius had.

Remus grunted.

"He was weird all day, wasn't he Wormtail,"

Peter groaned as his queen's head was carried off the board.

"You've been acting funny too, did something happen last night? You _did _help him feel better, didn't you?" James watched with glee as his remaining pawns beat up Peter's last bishop.

Remus laughed darkly. "I suppose so,"

The next week went just as well as that Tuesday. Sirius spent most of his time somewhere else, alone, to the bewilderment of everyone but Remus, who stayed in the library. He had an inkling Sirius knew this and stayed far from the area. This had been worst yet. Remus wondered at night, lying in his solitary four-poster, whether or not Sirius would come back this time.

Just when Remus was becoming accustomed to living every moment on auto-pilot, he was thrown head first off course. He was in the library, at the back where he most preferred to be. Ester was less likely to wander by and stop for conversation, and none of his other friends ventured around here at all.

Until he saw Sirius coming towards him. Right past the medicinal magic section. The world ceased movement.

"We need to talk," he said sternly, only halfway meeting his eyes.

Remus said nothing, but put his books away and followed Sirius out of the library. They walked in a line, farther and farther from where they began. Sirius led him outside. It was early evening, the sky was just starting to bleed orange. Together they walked to the lake.

It was here Sirius stopped. Remus didn't dare move anywhere. He couldn't see hid friend's face. He pictured it angry. Maybe embarrassed. Considering what had occurred, Remus believed it three times the charm for having a friend like Sirius in good graces. Perhaps this time, he'd lost.

"What do you think of me?" Sirius asked. His tone was unfathomable.

"Um," was all Remus could say.

"I mean it," he picked up a small rock and threw it across the shining water.

"Well," Remus started. "You're one of my best friends. You act real stupid sometimes, but I usually forgive you,"

Sirius sighed. "That's it?"

Remus turned away, anything to avoid those eyes…

"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Padfoot,"

"Well," he looked to the lake, ruffling his hair. "Me either,"

There was a pregnant break in the conversation. Both boys, men now really, watched the giant squid float about on the surface of the lake. The once blue sky began to fade into a purple twilight.

"That night scared the fuck outta me, Moony. I never felt like that ever. Merlin, I-I" Sirius turned away now instead, his hand pulling uselessly on his neck. "I thought it was the drugs. I thought maybe that bastard Alfred sold me tainted shit, but that wasn't it, was it?"

He looked at Remus. "Tell me you felt weird, god, please,"

Remus was so very stunned. He merely nodded.

Sirius began to pace.

"Then," his hands writhed together. "I thought maybe it was my anger at Vanessa. At women in general, you know? But then, you…you just…I don't know. I haven't been able to put my thoughts about it away," he stopped.

"I wondered if you thought different of me, I guess,"

Sirius sat, defeated on the chilly spring grass. Remus came and sat beside him, his knees pulled close to his chest.

"I did feel that way, like you did," Remus shakily began. Sirius looked up.

Down Remus's eyes went. "But there is more to it. When I said I loved you, Padfoot, I meant it,"

Sirius punched him lightly in the shoulder. "You better,"

"Not just like that…it's different,"

"Oh," Sirius's arm retracted and he pulled it tightly to his side.

"I knew I just should not have told you," Remus shook his head. "Fuck,"

"Moony, _shut up_, it's okay," Sirius laughed, but very softly. "It's just…different, I suppose," he smiled. "I was worried you would hate me. Here you're head over heels in star-crossed love with me!"

"I never said that!" Remus's scarlet face was visible in the purple-black backdrop of nighttime.

Sirius laughed harder this time. "Let me try something,"

Before Remus could protest, Sirius was guiding his narrow chin with his hand, pulling the other closer so he could kiss his lips. He missed at first, because Remus had pulled back in protest. Sirius's lips touched his nose instead.

"Merlin, I'll have to teach you to do this better," Sirius said with amusement in his voice.

As he leant inwards for another go, Remus's heart burst in his chest. Everything felt right where it should be.

_And now…_

We never smoked anything together after that one night. We felt it was risky to have anything happen that we would forget or regret. Not that I wouldn't love to sit here now and smoke a joint with him…anything just to be near him again. To feel his weight shift the bed when he'd get up to piss in the morning. How he would hold me after a romp. When he would make breakfast without waking me until it was done. It was little things you missed. Shit like that.

Hell I would have him back even if he wasn't speaking to me or treating me like a walking Invisibility cloak. I'd take anything.

James and Peter found out about us the day before the final term ended. We had been sleeping in each other's beds for months and they hadn't noticed a thing until then. James was okay, but Peter never quite accepted it. That didn't bother me then, nor does it now.

We're the only Marauders left, and some days I think about the unfairness of that. Because of Peter, I lost James, and because I lost James, I had to lose Sirius too? Who the fuck decided that was okay?


	4. Four Times

Title: A Vacancy

Summary: Throughout most of my life, there was an empty spot wherever Sirius was supposed to be at the time. He would run from me, and then back again. It was a vacancy that I knew would always be filled…until now. [Slash.]

Rating: Mature

Notes: Before Remus admits his mutual feelings for Tonks, he makes a Pensieve.

_One_**. **_Two. Three. _**Four. **_Five._

What a terrible day.

You always expect the people closest to you to be eternal. Because as long as you exist, why shouldn't they? Why does one person have to stay behind, with all the memories of those who die before them? James wasn't a bad person. A tad selfish, but everyone is. Once he married Lily, he wasn't the same childish teenager he had been for nearly seven years. And when Harry was born, everyone changed. We were all so young, watching someone even younger blossom before our very eyes.

Sirius changed the most.

How he loved to babysit. He would push tickets for fancy operas and expensive dinner reservations on Lily and James, just to watch Harry. Of course, when something minute would go sour, he'd be standing at my fireplace, with worried eyes and pre-mature wrinkles in his forehead. Harry would usually need changed (he wouldn't ever admit he forgot that one), burped, or he would have a small cold, or just have to sneeze in general. Sirius would have made an okay parent to a doll, perhaps. Something that never had bodily functions.

But there were a few moments when I thought very differently. Once, he had shown up with Harry who was being fussy for no reason at all. We both spent over two hours cuddling him and making stupid faces, before he took a bottle and drifted off to sleep. I had gone to rinse out the dirty bottle, but when I came back into my parlor, Sirius was gone.

I found him outside in the yard, twirling around in small circles while Harry slept. He was smiling in a way I had never seen. Usually his smiles held something like mischief, or sarcasm, but this one was genuine happiness. I watched him for quite awhile. Sirius finally noticed and about dropped the infant in surprise. After that, I didn't mind as much when he came over to fuss about Harry.

When they died, I didn't notice. Not at first. There was too much shock and too much to do. I begged Sirius not to go. Dumbledore would get Harry and bring him to us. Dumbledore would get Peter. But Sirius was never one for the matter of reason.

_November 1981_

James is dead. Lily is dead. Remus quietly wished that he was dead too, so then this really wouldn't be so important.

"Peter won't listen to the mirror," Sirius mumbled. He stood in the kitchen doorway, holding a square piece of reflective glass close to his face. It's brother had once belonged to James, but he lent it to Peter once he became their Secret Keeper. In school, James and Sirius used it to talk to one another while in separate detentions. Peter had used it just two days ago, and always answered. But now it stared at him rather blankly.

Sirius left the room again. He had been entering and then leaving abruptly for awhile now. Ever since the letter from Dumbledore arrived, bringing news of Lily and James's murders, he had been angry. Angry at You-Know-Who, angry at Dumbledore, and Peter, and himself. No one had a clue if Peter was still even alive, or how Voldemort got to him. How could they lose three friends in one single night?

And Harry, poor Harry. Left alone in a wreck of a house, Remus thought. He had been at his kitchen table for three solid hours now, mulling over depressing images of corpses and a certain ruined family home in Godric's Hollow. Remus and Sirius reacted so differently, it seemed impossible that they had been living together off and on for nearly four years. It was strange enough to leave Hogwarts and immediately immerse yourself into the Order Of The Phoenix. But that's just what they all did. Now, perhaps, they were seeing the consequences in their full force.

Time ticked away. It became noon, somehow, and Remus felt his stomach protest in lack of food. But his mind was very far from something as human as eating. Sirius, who had vanished for at least forty-five minutes, stumbled into the kitchen again, looking like a lost child.

He sat at the table.

"Why?" he asked Remus. His throat was dry, and his voice came out as a soft croak. His brilliant, heather-grey eyes were bloodshot.

But Remus didn't answer this. He didn't know why it had happened. They were asked, by a very remorseful and grave Albus Dumbledore, to stay in the house. To stay quiet. People all over were celebrating the downfall of Lord Voldemort. The terrors they had known for years were finally gone. But some people, a few people, like Remus and Sirius, couldn't celebrate anything.

Sirius was breathing very loudly.

"We can raise him together, can't we?"

Remus stirred, feeling his arm muscles stretch as he set them delicately on the rough wooden table. "I suppose, if you are the best choice,"

"I'm his godfather," Sirius said in a low growl.

"I know you are,"

Silence fell. Sirius seemed unable to keep still. First, he had been sitting in his chair as stiff as a board. Then, he pulled up his leg, and crossed them both. Then he started to tap the table with his fingertips. Remus watched him. It is a strange sight, to see people around you descend into grief. Especially when nothing has occurred to you yet.

"I'd like if you would help me with Harry,"

Remus stared at him. He would love to. But that would mean two male parents, and as much as Remus cared for both Harry and Sirius, it was unnatural in the Muggle world, let alone among wizards.

"Dumbledore mentioned his Aunt and Uncle. They live in Surrey, with a nice house, and they already have a son so Harry wouldn't be alone,"

"You mean Lily's horrid Muggle sister?" Sirius asked, a look of total disbelief colored all over his face.

Remus looked away. "She isn't so bad,"

Sirius coughed. "I'd rather raise him to be a pouf then live with that _woman_," Somehow, he had read Remus's exact feelings.

"I doubt he would turn out that way just because of us," Remus was now tracing circles on the table with his finger. "It's just his life is going to be blown up anyway, Padfoot. Why torture him anymore-"

"Don't call me that right now," Sirius turned away, twisting in his chair so that he faced the door rather than his partner.

Remus's words fell away in his throat. He let his head rest on his arm, and in a few moments he was asleep.

It wasn't long before Sirius was gently waking him. He rested his own head on the table too, gazing at the few grey hairs that were showing on Remus's scalp. His hand found its way to Remus's knee, pulling long strokes back and forth across his thigh.

Slowly, Remus opened his eyes. It was a hard thing to manage, for he had cried during his rest. The tears had sealed his eyelashes together. When they finally opened, they met Sirius's immediately.

"I'm sorry, Moony,"

Remus attempted blinking. "For what?"

"For snapping. For letting Peter be a Secret Keeper. For letting Prongs and Lily die,"

"That isn't your fault, Sirius," Remus touched his lover's face, which was trapped in an expression of defeat. He traced his lips too because they had been framed in a frown for what seemed like ages.

"It feels that way," Sirius spoke around the fingers caressing his mouth. "Fuck, maybe I really am a masochist,"

His laugh that followed wasn't a real Padfoot laugh. It didn't even have a bark.

"You mustn't be," Remus was now holding onto the back of Sirius's neck, burying into his dark, messy hair.

Sirius looked away. "How can I not be at fault? I made Peter be in charge! I wasn't protecting anyone, I was offering them all up to Voldemort on a silver platter!" his very handsome, elegantly shaped face was so unpleasant when contorted with misery.

Remus wanted to cry again.

"It's not your fault," he said. Sirius looked back, noticing the change in Remus's voice. "And it isn't your fault that Peter wasn't strong enough. It was a clever rue, and Dumbledore agreed,"

Sirius grasped Remus's face, perhaps harder than he meant to or ever had before. "Then he's a fool too,"

"No one can live once Voldemort decides to kill them!" Remus pleaded, begged, wanted so much for Sirius to stop blaming himself. The anguish radiating from him made Remus's insides writhe within his body.

Sirius kissed him, very harshly, on his mouth. It lasted for awhile because Remus was unable to break it. Strong hands had planted into Remus's light colored hair, gripping and pulling so hard. As though Sirius was drowning, holding onto Remus like a coarse rope. Finally he let him go.

"Harry lived, Remus."

"I know. But no one knows why," Remus rubbed his lip. It was bleeding.

Sirius shook his head. Longer hair then before, it fell to his nose. "Why couldn't they survive?"

"They aren't immortal,"

"Obviously not," Sirius laughed his abnormal laugh. Remus silently hoped it wouldn't stay that way forever. "I'm sorry," he added, seeing the blood.

At that moment, a silvery, wispy shadow of a phoenix flew into Remus's tiny kitchen.

"I do not know at this time the consequences of Halloween night," warbled the patronus in Dumbledore's voice. "I also have no idea who I will grant Harry's future to. But I regret to inform you that Peter Pettigrew has vanished,"

The change in Sirius was immediate. He stood, as if to yell at the phoenix. But Remus grasped his forearm.

"I have no clue as to how the Fidelius Charm has been broken, which was the sole cause that revealed the Potters' hideaway in Godric's Hollow." The bird continued on. "I unfortunately had not foreseen this, and no one could have, Sirius," Dumbledore knew them both too well. "Harry is with Hagrid, so rest any fears that he has been left alone in their destroyed home. I plead with you both to stay where you are until we can meet. Let me find Peter. Keep level, well minded thoughts, and remember that there should be no guilty feelings amongst yourselves."

The bird dissipated into the air.

"He wants us to wait like schoolboys in his office! Peter could still be alive out there!" Sirius banged his fist so hard into the table that small woodchips came up and clouded around his hand.

"That's not what he meant!" Remus stood up now, his legs feeling rather like unset pudding. "I think he is right, we can't go storming off to look for Peter. What if someone dangerous has captured him?"

"Then I'll kill them," Sirius said wildly, looking around the room. The anger was disappearing, and he seemed to be thinking hard.

"I'll just go and get Peter,"

"You aren't going anywhere!" Remus yelled. He never really raised his voice. He mostly talked in a stern, controlled way when he was upset. But now he screamed, pointing at a shocked Sirius who gaped back at him.

"If you leave now, you won't come back. This always happens, and then I will get left alone again. I won't let it happen, Padfoot. I won't be left alone to rot," Remus seethed, twitching while attempting to stand still.

Sirius's eager, thoughtful face fell. He pulled a shivering Remus into his arms, who tried at first to push him away.

"You won't come back. I know it,"

"Of course I'll be back, Moony. Why wouldn't I?"

Remus snorted. "You always do that to me. You say you'll be there but something happens and you are gone again. Only this time we're older."

He faded into Sirius's embrace.

"I have to save Wormtail. I don't wanna lose another friend,"

"But I can't lose you," Remus dug his fingers into Sirius's expensive looking, dark red robes. The fabric molded to him.

"You won't. I promise," Sirius kissed his forehead, then lips, and he held it there, washing away the blood that had congealed in the corners of Remus's mouth with his tongue.

"Now stop being a baby, doll." Sirius mused, making a joke for the first time in almost twenty four hours. When they were wrapped up together in Remus's bed, not caring what would happen tomorrow, because they felt so invincible.

"Come home. Promise it,"

"I did," Sirius's breath hitched, his adrenaline kicking in. He was always infatuated with important missions.

"Say it again,"

"I promise I'll come home to you, Moony, don't I always?"

…_don't I always?_

I suppose it wasn't accountable as a lie. He did come home. Twelve years later. Once I had heard what he did, I just didn't believe it. I knew he could not have betrayed James, for starters. But killing Peter? Sirius never killed anything if he could help it, even spiders. He preferred to take them outside and release them into their "natural habitat", or whatever he said. He was so idiotic.

The memory just falls into the basin. I can't even let it struggle anymore.

"Remus?" Tonks calls from behind the basement door. Her voice is careful, since I had tried denying her entry last time.

I cover the basin with an empty pillowcase and push it beneath my tiny camp bed. "Come in,"

She enters looking tired and ill at ease. "Are you sure you're alright?" This question was almost a clone of the one she had came to ask twenty minutes ago. Her eyes searched my face.

"I'm fine. I just felt…well, like I should be alone today,"

"Oh,"

Awkward. I feel like I have been throttled mercilessly back into my youth. Only this time, I am thirty eight. Older body, same inconveniences. Tonks is a beautiful person. Her devotion to the order is countered only by her brilliance as an Auror. Clumsy as anything, but it is something to overlook when you know her. Her eyes and hair were a dull shade of brown. Her abilities have been malfunctioning…mainly because of me. How much guilt can I hold anymore?

I do love her.

But I also love the memories of a man that I devoted myself to knowingly, and sometimes unknowingly, for over twenty years.

"Well, if you're up to it, I can make you some tea," she asks.

I could summon it if I really wanted any.

"That'll be great, Tonks,"

This brings a small smile to her that hasn't been there in months.


	5. Last Time

Title: A Vacancy

Summary: Throughout most of my life, there was an empty spot wherever Sirius was supposed to be at the time. He would run from me, and then back again. It was a vacancy that I knew would always be filled…until now. [Slash.]

Notes: Before Remus admits his mutual feelings for Tonks, he makes a Pensieve.

_One_**. **_Two. Three. Four. _**Five.**

I wait on the bed patiently, wondering if I can even tempt to coax the next scene from my grey matter. It is so burned into my memory, I can almost picture the scars it has left in its wake.

Tonks is sitting beside me, quietly drinking her tea. I managed to drink a little of mine. Now it burns to just hold it in my hand, but I allow it to. It makes her happy to be next to me. I'm fond of sitting beside her. But she is so young, how can I wreck her life? I ruined the better part of Sirius's life. Oh, he would be so irate if he even heard me think that! I would say it all the time when we would argue. It got him into such a rage that even I feared a little.

I blame myself for many things. But they can't be changed now, can they? Sirius is gone. James and Lily, gone. I shift uncomfortably on the bedspread.

"The tea's okay, isn't it?" she asks in a careful tone.

She stares solemnly at her boots. I stare at them too. Thigh length, quality dragon hide. They are strapped tightly to her legs, and her wand is stuck into the left one's uppers.

"Oh, it's fine,"

She fingers with some thread left to stray on her skirt. She won't look into my eyes, even though I am staring right at her, right through her.

I reach over and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Remus, I'm so sorry for the past few weeks,"

I swallow deeply. It thuds emptily in my stomach.

"Why?"

She looks at me incredulously, searching my face. But not my eyes.

"I've been acting stupid, I suppose. Blurting out my feelings in front of the Weasley's like that…and after Bill was attacked." She rubs her forehead with her hand. The nails are bitten down and unpolished. Anxious hands. "I feel so far away from you. More than I have before,"

She looks back down at her boots, which I've been staring at for awhile.

"But you aren't stupid," My own voice sounds more like a soft croak. Like I haven't talked in years.

She shakes her head. "I-,"

I felt my hand touch her face again, only it was cupping her cheek this time. I heard her words die inside her throat. I hold few people this way. The last person happened to be Sirius.

I thought the last would always be Sirius.

_June, 1996_

Sirius Black stood framed in the doorway. He stood in lots of doorways in Remus's era, but never like this. His back was arched and his silhouette was perfectly reflected in shadow on the opposing wall. And they were older. Remus felt one hundred years older, at least. After Harry and Hermione rescued him and Buckbeak, Sirius would make appearances every so often. They would have a drink, play cards- chess perhaps. Or they would just talk about the "Good Old Days". Then Sirius would pull Remus close to beg and plead, to take him upstairs.

Remus would refuse.

Then, the Order chose Sirius's childhood home as a headquarters. Remus was the most frequent guest, when he wasn't on dreaded guard duty. Again, Sirius would glide onto Remus's hips, run his hands over the scarred chest that had stayed hidden for centuries.

Remus still refused when a hushed, almost ghostly voice would proposition his ear.

Now Sirius resembled his adolescent figure. Azkaban had stolen a lot of his beauty, but being free inside his old home had its good points, even if Sirius hated returning to it. His shape had become rounder and more broad, radiating with a touch of its former glory. Eyes of heather grey smothered Remus from across the room. A prickle of heat burst across his skin, shocking the blond hairs on his neck and arms.

"Why won't you let me come to your house, Moony?" Sirius asked, leaning his back against the doorframe. It creaked, his face halfway covered in shadows from the hall.

Remus gulped. "Too dangerous. You know that,"

He seemed to be floating in the darkness.

"You used to like danger,"

The older, always slender Remus Lupin shook his head. He had many silver hairs now, shining in the poor candle glow. His heart thumped loudly between his ribs.

"Prongs liked the wild side," he chuckled to himself. "You know that too,"

"You were dangerous with me," Sirius had a way, even now, to speak so his voice vibrated your innards.

Remus settled for laughing again.

The room was positively reeking with age. Brown and gold argyle patterned wallpaper seemed to be peeling from the stone. A floor made from stained cedar groaned from every foot that stepped upon it. The curtains, blood-red, were moth eaten and unwashed. The bed was once magnificent, large and elegant with gold and scarlet curtains and silky sheets from the most exotic vendors. Once, long, rough wooden beams carved with ornate leaves and flowers rose high into the wood paneled ceiling. Now, it was dull, unpolished wood with scratchy covers. Just a piece of furniture.

Yet Remus gripped onto the wool blanket as though it gave him life. Sirius stood before him now, and the only light that dared to creep within the bedroom came from two single candles and a sliver of moonlight that danced behind the moldy curtains. Sirius's face drew on most of that white light, giving him an inhuman appearance.

"Were you with anyone else?" he asked, looking directly into Remus's pupils.

"Excuse me?"

"When I was in Azkaban…what did you do, wait for me?"

Remus bit his lip. "Maybe,"

Sirius sighed; air fanned over his lips.

"Why?"

"I had no one else to want me, Padfoot," Remus said, wondering how exactly it was that a note of hunger leapt into his voice. It wasn't a lie, really. He had tried to find dates. Once anyone got wind that he was a werewolf, they never asked for another go. It wasn't entirely fair.

"Lies," Sirius whispered again. It sounded appropriate in the darkness. "You've rejected every moment alone we have had together," he paused.

"Unless _you_ don't want _me_,"

"That is an even larger falsehood," Remus said, adding more creases into the ever-present wrinkles on his forehead.

Sirius shifted his weight, making the floorboards whine.

"I know I look a lot different because of my imprisonment," he shook his head sadly.

"I still want you," Remus blurted out; the hunger sparked again. He felt his appendages give a twitch.

Grey eyes back on him, searching, smothering, blazing…an ache Remus had held for nearly sixteen years swelled within his core. In his mind's eye erupted images of girls in broom closets and behind shelves of books, how that tugging warm feeling would fade when he kissed them, Sirius pulling him behind the benches after Gryffindor won another Qudditch match, waking up with a secret, waking up with Sirius, going to sleep knowing that he still had one more day-, the way Sirius smelled, tasted, felt-, everything. Anything. It was almost as though he hadn't quite been living up until this moment. That he had died at seventeen and was reincarnated into the same body at thirty-eight.

"I feel lonely in this house, Moony." Sirius said throatily. "I can see stains of myself and Regulus all over the walls, and in the air I can feel my parents. I don't like that," he sniffed. Remus's eyes were the size of dinner plates, because Sirius had crawled over his legs. "I wish you would stay, you don't have to sleep with me,"

"You know people already wonder about us…they knew what we had together,"

Sirius snorted. "And if I had never gotten locked up, we would have stayed that way,"

Remus didn't doubt that at all.

"Let them wonder," How exactly he began to unclasp the shiny gold buttons on Remus's robes without any inclination he was doing so, was a mystery.

"No, we can't do this again…" Remus trailed off, his arms curled tight to his body.

Sirius continued anyway. He slid back the frayed and patched up black robes, revealing a grey sweater. Another sigh glided over his lips.

"You need a new color palette,"

"Well that's a new one," Remus flushed anyway.

"I think you've owned that since we were fifteen,"

"I have not! It was a lovely gift from Tonks, I'll have you know,"

"Fancy my cousin now, do you?" he said, his eyes narrowing. Sirius had used this conversation to start undoing the zipper on Remus's trousers.

Remus blushed a deeper shade of crimson. "No,"

"She fancies you,"

"This is your strangest idea of foreplay yet,"

"Oh Moony I haven't even begun," Sirius pushed Remus back onto the mattress. It held, but gave a light wobble. A grin stretched his mouth.

"What's so amusing…" Remus's eyes searched his former lover's face, a frown forming.

"I wonder if it will feel like it did before-,"

"- assuming I let you of course,-" Remus reminded him willfully. Although, his sweater was now a crumpled mess on the dusty floor.

"- I thought you were going to cry once I pushed, but then you let me do what I wanted as always," Sirius babbled on. He pushed the trousers down to Remus's ankles.

"I did cry." Remus couldn't help but hold onto looking at Sirius's eyes. "I just didn't want you to see,"

"You were what kept me the most sane in prison, Moony." Sirius whispered, now tracing the many scars that lycanthropy had cursed Remus with.

It drew close to midnight when the haze finally settled in the bedroom. The rickety mattress was damp, but very warm. More moonlight than before streamed in through the half opened curtains. The candles which had once been fat with wax were dripping on their holders and forming a thick coat as the wicks burnt low. There wasn't a sound to be heard in Grimmauld Place. Remus went to pull the scratchy wool blanket over his exposed lower half, but Sirius kicked it off the bed. It fell next to the grey sweater, just as ugly, threadbare and stitched with a peony flower pattern.

"It's cold," he complained.

"It's June," Sirius said bluntly and possessively held Remus to his sweat covered chest.

"What if someone came in?" Remus looked immediately to the door as if expecting to see an intruder there.

Sirius snorted. "Yeah right. I'm lucky you visit,"

"Well now you know that…well, that I will stay,"

Sirius didn't answer this, but laid his head on the back of Remus's neck.

"What were you waiting for?"

Remus hesitated, wondering if he should answer how he felt. Would it still feel the same once sunlight grew on the windows again?

"For you to leave me," he said quietly, turning to Sirius who was holding him so close that movement was almost a sport.

But Sirius, with his lips slightly parted and his hair rumpled, was fast asleep.

The next couple hours Remus fell in and out of consciousness. He knew that at some point, Sirius left the room. In his delirious state he believed that he had been kidnapped, only to hear a toilet across the hall flush noisily. Both men were just beginning to get used to peaceful sleep when loud crackling sounds erupted from the ancient fireplace grate. Remus shot up instantly, not even remembering seeing a fireplace upon entering the bedroom. A head sat patiently waiting, looking at the scene before it without any surprise or shock.

"Rise, Black, Lupin," said Severus Snape. His voice was casual and cool like nothing about what came next held any importance. "All members of the Order are to arrive at the Department of Mysteries,"

Sirius was yawning, stretching his bare form. "He hasn't gotten in?"

The calm exterior showed no signs of emotion, but Snape rose an eyebrow.

"Seems to be. Now get here soon as possible,"

He vanished and the green flames went with him.

Remus was halfway dressed already, his pants up but the belt wasn't clasped, and his robes were on but he had forgotten his sweater.

"Hurry up, we have no idea the danger it could bring us,"

But Sirius went rather slowly about dressing. By the time Remus had fastened his cloak, he had just pulled up his trousers.

"Hell, Padfoot, hurry!"

Remus stood by the door, pacing the creaking floorboards.

"You thought I would leave you, did you?"

Remus shot him a look that read 'this is clearly not the time,' but his half-dressed lover didn't drop it.

"Did you?"

"Well, you have before,"

"Not after what we just did,"

"You did the first time!" Remus shouted. "Please, let's go. I'll leave alone if I have to!"

Sirius looked away. It was true. He had left the werewolf quite alone in his four poster bed in the dormitory. He had been so scared then, of morning. He didn't know what Remus would think of him. The same sensation now settled over Sirius, albeit a tad differently.

"Wait a mo'," Sirius didn't bother with his shirt, which wasn't anywhere to be seen anyway. He pulled his cloak over his bare chest and went over to where Remus stood, his entire body trembling in anxiety.

Sirius tipped Remus's chin back, before wrapping his lips around the other man's, persuading coyly at first, then it became mutual.

"What was that for?" Remus asked, feeling breathless.

"Well…I always promise I will be here for you. But apparently I never keep promises. So in case I don't…" Sirius touched his lips to Remus's forehead, then his lips, and finally his throat.

"You know that I loved you,"

Remus didn't speak, for air was constricted deep in his lungs. "Love" was a word never said by Sirius Black, unless he was drunk.

"Now, let's go,"

Both men Apparated into what seemed to be utter chaos. Shacklebolt dueled right before their eyes, beyond him Tonks and Moody were yelling for Neville Longbottom of all persons and Harry to run through the door. Lucius Malfoy was on their trail, wand out and white blond hair fanning out behind him like a silvery curtain.

"Go," Remus went to run down the small flight of stairs to their left.

"Wait, Moony,"

"Just go! We have to help them,"

They spilt. Remus dived to help Kingsley, while Sirius aided Moody and Tonks. It was a too small a space for so many hexes and jinxes. Odd colored smoke clogged the air as jets of light shot across the amphitheater style room in distorted angles.

Bellatrix was by far the loudest and most sadistic competitor. She cackled at every spell she tossed, a smirk on her face as permanent as a scar. She dueled Sirius, casting anything and everything at him. Remus swelled with pride whenever Sirius dodged the hex, and sent back a spiteful counterjinx.

That is why when Sirius fell through the veil, into the death chamber, the whole world seemed to drop into a slow motion period. Remus held Harry back from throwing himself at the dais. But what he really wanted to do was push the boy aside and glide through it all on his own.

His mind's eye bled pictures again. Living backwards, it began with wrestling as miniscule eleven year olds, progressing onto the hormonal third year, drifting to when Remus was seventeen, wondering if he was more important than all the pretty girls who flocked around Sirius, it flipped through birthdays and rainy days, days where it snowed and days where it was too hot to function. Every picture burned as though the filmstrip was about to melt and break off, speeding down the wheel in his brain.

This new picture was not going to fit in. Remus watched the curtain blow slightly in the non-existent wind.

_Remus…Remus?_

"Remus!" Tonks shouts, watching in amazement as I pull the memory forcefully from my forehead. It swirls inside the Pensieve, threatening to bubble up.

"Why are you making one of these?" she touches the sides of the rune-crusted bowl with hesitation, but the gas stays multicolored and shapeless.

"I wanted to hide things from myself," I try to stay away from the real reasons. "I wanted to forget some old memories,"

"Of Sirius, you mean?'

I guess my face gave it away, but she nods.

"I know you two were close…closer than most people wanted me to believe," she gave a laugh that sounded slightly harsher than usual. "But why forget, Remus?"

"I suppose that they were holding me back from other feelings," I admit without much thought.

"Oh," She still will not look at my eyes. How pigheaded. "Feelings you won't pursue, then?"

"I wouldn't say that,"

There it is.

Her eyes, darker than I have ever seen them, come up to lock in with mine. They seem to be sparkling in this sad, little basement. It strikes a warm spot in my abdomen, and while it will never be like what Sirius gave to me, it was something. It was something I could go into wartime with. It was, in other words, hope.

In a moment of uncontrolled awkwardness, Tonks gathers up the teacups and mumbles about Molly needing the dishes washed. My eyes meet the basin, now mainly staying a bright white color. A vacancy is what I blamed Sirius for. An empty period where life lacked any jolt of happiness and glow. But he always came back. He will again.

"Dora, I'll come help you with that," I felt my voice say aloud, as I take every single one of those memories and push them back through my skull.

-Fin-


End file.
